Voiceless Screaming
by Miyuki Inakamono
Summary: Kakyou's inner thoughts on his Destiny, inspired by the X Japan song "Voiceless Screaming."


Voiceless Screaming  
by Miyuki Inakamono  
  
Before the Story Babble--Cos I don't wanna ruin the ending. I don't own Hokuto, Kakyou, Subaru, Seishirou, the song, or anything/anyone else. Don't hurt me!!! *cower* Okay, done with the disclaimer. I just wanna say that while I'm just getting started into the whole TB/X field (I'm more accustomed to Gundam Wing stuff if you know who I am), I kinda like it, working with something that has yet to be finished. So many possibilities, ya know? I don't know what's gonna happen, only CLAMP does and they won't tell, so I'm just left with a blank drawing board that's not exactly AU... Hell, I turned out right in my prediction of Subaru switching sides, and I said that about a year ago. Whoops. Spoiler... Okay, lots of them here. ^_^' Kinda late, but screw it. Inspired by the X Japan song by the same title; if you've never listened to it, do. It's on the "Jealousy" album. Okay, here's the story, a nice little song fic.. in a sense... Enjoy.  
  
[i'm drowning in sadness  
falling far behind  
i feel there is just no way out  
is there anyone there where am i]  
  
--what do they expect me to do? wake up? for what? to face all those people, those people who hate me for what i am? no, not hate. they think i'm a freak. they stare at me and do experiments and use me for whatever they feel like using me for at the time. who would ever want to wake up to something like that? if you had the option to just sleep, would you wake up to a cruel, harsh reality?  
or, maybe, there is no option.  
maybe i have no choice. it is my destiny, they told me, those people in my dreams, to sleep until the promised day, whenever that may be.   
or maybe i have a choice, and am just too scared to face it.--  
  
[insanity and loneliness  
tear my painful heart  
broken heart keeps on going to beat  
but it never stops bleeding]  
  
--and there's always the thought that i do have a choice, but it's not the one i think i'm being posed with. do i have an option to die? must i stay in a coma when death is a much easier thing? it'll save so many people so much trouble, including myself.   
the pain hurts, you know.  
my soul was ripped from me years and years ago.  
i might as well die.--  
  
[i've been waiting for love to come  
someone who wants to touch me inside  
memories of my yesterdays]  
  
--she loved me, did you know that? did you know how much she cared about me? and not me the yumeni, or me the freak, but me. kakyou, the person with the golden eyes. she said my eyes were like nothing she had ever seen. i had never seen any eyes quiet like hers before, either.   
i waited for someone like her. someone who could come and rip me from my hell.  
instead, i was just tossed further in.--  
  
[careless words and deeds  
masquerade of love  
gotta find my way outta here]  
  
--oh, but i was too scared. scared to get out of the comfort zone i had created around myself. scared to leave my dreamscape. bitter dreamscape, at that. bitter salt water, bitter sand, all in a memory of something that could have been but will never be.--  
  
[i was blinded by dark desire  
over time i've been through it all  
i'm crying my share of tears]  
  
--the tears want to fall. they beg me to let them be free of their prison where they just gather and gather. i know they will fall one day, when i'm not so afraid of the emotions that make a person live.   
i don't want to live.  
if i did, i would wake up.--  
  
[what can i do  
will i make it through  
i must be true to myself]  
  
--but is it really my place to decide on whether i wake up or not? it is my destiny, i know, to wake up when the promised day comes. i've already said that. but... for me, to wake is the same as death. i'll have to face everything i've ever hated--people. it's always been people who were the cause of my pain. they killed her. they locked me away. they called me the freak. they used me.  
only one person cared.  
she's dead anyway.--  
  
[voiceless screaming  
calling to me inside of my heart  
voiceless screaming  
now is the time I got to speak out]  
  
--am i blind to my own destiny? destiny is never quite the thing it seems to be. if my destiny is to wake up, then shouldn't it mean something else since waking up is death to me? and unless i am mistaken, isn't everyone supposed to die at the end? i know everyone will be dead. i know how it will turn out. yet, i am blind to my own destiny. i can't wake up. i will be forced to live a dying life that i don't want to live.   
my choice...  
is not between the coma and waking up.   
it never was.--  
  
[voice of faith, i'm starting to realize  
now my eyes can see  
i have gone so far  
i'm feeling breath of life]  
  
--after all this time, i can finally realize what my destiny is. i, just like the others, will be dead by the time the final battle of the promised day commences. i will be gone, but not because i lost.  
i will awake.  
i will awake to death.  
i will die because i will choose to die. that will be my awakening; the first time in my whole life when i can truly be awake and live... when i can finally be with her and live.--  
  
[and i'm looking for love to reach  
someone i want to touch deep inside  
light shines on my sight of doubt]  
  
--so i will either live or die, just like the rest. no, i will die. i choose not to live. the others have no choice. should i feel privileged? no... yet again, my eyes are clouded. my choice was taken away when she died. would i actually choose to live in a place where i was alone? loneliness is worse than death. or life. no, death is life, and loneliness is the actual death. i will choose life over death.   
that is my choice.--  
  
[don't be afraid  
move forward one step  
willing mind is what i have found at last]  
  
--life over death.  
everyone chooses life over death. it is never the other way around, even if it ends in suicide. that person choose it not to die, but to escape and to hopefully seek life elsewhere untroubled. it is not death to that person. it's his backdoor exit into happiness.--  
  
[voiceless screaming  
calling to me inside of my heart  
voiceless screaming  
now is the time i got to speak out]  
  
--so now is the time for me to decide? yes ... the battle is soon. it is my turn to decide, to battle myself in a battle of life versus death in which i know what i will choose.  
i will live in my death.--  
  
[voiceless screaming  
calling to me inside of my heart  
knockin' on my soul's door  
i believe in myself and trust what i do]  
  
--drifting away... oh, i feel life returning to me already as i die. here come the doctors now, trying to figure out what happened. funny. i actually find it funny. i am living.  
i see her now.  
i am now alive.--  
  
[voiceless screaming  
pain of the past still hurts me inside  
knockin' on my soul's door  
i climb the stairs that lead me to heaven]  
  
--she's now with me. oh, for the first time in so long, i know what it's like to not be alone... after so many many years of knowing what death was like, i have finally decided to live. of course, there are people who disagree. but trust me.  
i am finally awake.  
i am finally living.--  
  
  
^~owari~^ 


End file.
